Rubber Balls and Liquor by Gilbert Gottfried

Author:Gilbert Gottfried
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

7

Adventures in Animation

Okay, so that pretty much covers the front end of my career. It’s the rear end that gives me trouble.

Let’s just say my career has walked a tightrope between early-morning children’s programming and hardcore porn. I remarked on this once in an interview, in an offhanded way, which is how I do most of my remarking when I give interviews. But then I realized that many a truth is said in jest, sometimes in an offhanded way. I know this because I read it in a fortune cookie.

Say what you will about my career (and, frankly, I’m satisfied when someone says anything about my career), there’s no denying that sometime after those first few movies and those early fits and starts I came to occupy a creepy place on the spectrum of mildly popular culture. How this happened—or, when; or, why—I’ve got no idea, only that it seems to have been a happy accident, because I’m quite certain I never dreamed of a career in show business that walked a tightrope between early-morning children’s programming and hardcore porn. It just worked out that way. You see, it turned out that I have a face for voice-overs. That line is not original to me, of course. Every schmuck who’s ever worked in radio has used a version of that line to appear self-deprecating and humble, but I’m borrowing it here because I really do have a face for voice-overs.

(For what it’s worth, and it’s probably not much, I tend to avoid self-deprecation and humility, unless they involve some form of direct compensation.)

I know this because some Disney executive once told me it wouldn’t be such a good idea to show my face in public at a Disney event or to appear at one of their theme parks because I might frighten small children. This was discussed at the corporate level, apparently, and there was General Consensus—and who am I to question General Consensus? Up and down the chain of command, it’s a different story. Corporal Punishment? Him I can second-guess. Private Parts? Also, open to scrutiny. Major Disappointment? Ah, this fellow keeps turning up, without fail, every time I speak into a microphone, and of course I can’t be expected to keep from questioning him. But General Consensus? No, he knows his stuff.

Not to mention Sergeant Flea Collar …

(By the way, what the hell kind of phrase is not to mention? Think about it: those words never appear in a sentence unless whatever it is that’s not quite worthy of mention is in fact being mentioned. But it’s a resilient little phrase. You can be on the lookout for it, and guarding against it, and it can still sneak its way into your sentences when you’re looking the other way—as I have apparently been doing here. I can’t tell you how broken up I am about this.)

Back to that thing I wasn’t about to mention: Sergeant Flea Collar, for those of you too young or too disinterested to remember,

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